Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Scattered thoughts

Well, a month or so ago, I felt like I needed to start "blogging" (my thought was - another way of "journaling" - yeah, OK). During my lifetime I've started to journal several times - I even have great "journals" that have never been written in. Looking back, I find that sad. Why haven't I wanted, or maybe committed, to write things down? Is it because I think I can remember everything for my whole life? (Maybe I have a good memory, but what about the subtle nuances of each experience?)

A few weeks ago, I was lying in the hammock, watching the nature in my backyard that was all around me.... Particularly the bat that kept circling the area where I was enjoying the early evening restfulness, with its magnificent pre-sunset sky, after a long work-day. I was intrigued by, yet grateful for, its purpose. It started me to ponder the simplicity of its life and purpose. I began to consider what my purpose was......was it this simple? or very intricate? (Actually I was wondering if it was going to be so hard that I wouldn't want to even try). Maybe that's why I am not further along in my life... because I am afraid of the success that God may choose to bless me with! He has given me many talents that I tend leave just short of what could be wonderful success for His Kingdom.... WHY????? He has rescued me from certain death more than once or twice! And yet, why do I do those things that I know I don't want to do, yet I do them, and not those that I know are righteous and good?? (Now I sound like Paul)

I know that He is with me - there are many paths in my life, of "single" footprints that have carried me far and wide! For that, I am truly grateful!! I just want to have the faith to go to the next step!! I've been on my own for so long that it is difficult to not keep trying to have control..... I think I would call it - "conditional faith"? Again, the question - WHY???? If I have the power of the living GOD - why would I even TRY to rest in my own knowledge???